“Sit down there, Toad,” said the Badger kindly, pointing to a chair. “My friends,” he went on, “I am pleased to inform you that Toad has at last seen the error of his ways. He is truly sorry for his misguided conduct in the past, and he has undertaken to give up motor-cars entirely and for ever. I have his solemn promise to that effect.”
“That is very good news,” said the Mole gravely.
“Very good news indeed,” observed the Rat dubiously, “if only- if only-”
He was looking very hard at Toad as he said this, and could not help thinking he perceived something vaguely resembling a twinkle in that animal’s still sorrowful eye.
***
On the day of the Prime Minister’s speech to the Conservative Party Conference last October, the Sunday Times Chief Political Commentator Tim Shipman sent the following tweet:
As Boris’s personal ratings have crashed in the wake of the Paterson and Partygate scandals (see my last newsletter), I’ve rightly seen this tweet mocked on my feed. It turns out Labour could easily find a gap to overtake by… simply waiting for Boris Johnson to careen his car off the road.
And yet there remains an essential truth to Shipman’s tweet: Boris Johnson is a Toad. Specifically, the comparisons between Boris Johnson and Mr Toad from Kenneth Greene’s classic children’s novel The Wind in the Willows are striking.
For those who haven’t read The Wind in the Willows, Mr Toad is a funny and charming character, who is born into money- inheriting his property Toad Hall from his father- and well-loved by his friends. He also has several crippling character defects. He’s pompous, obsessive, deluded and holds himself in high-regard.
Over the course of the novel, Toad develops an obsession with motorcars, which leads to him having a series of car accidents, culminating in him getting arrested and imprisoned for theft and dangerous driving. He later escapes prison, returning home to his friends who, despite everything, help him to take back Toad Hall from a group of stoats and weasels who are squatting in it.
In comparison, Boris Johnson is, well, Boris Johnson. Despite his manifest personal flaws- the affairs, the job losses, the rule-breaking, the lies, the seeming disinterest in governing- he remains Prime Minister, catapulted there by a mix of his very real personal charm and his election winning record. He’s the Conservative Party’s Mr Toad.
Sure, he’s currently in a pickle, but like Mr Toad, he’s promised very solemnly that he will change his ways.
***
“Quite right Ratty! How sound you always are! Yes, I’ve been a conceited old ass, I can quite see that; but now I’m going to be a good Toad, and not do it anymore.
***
We can expect to see the publication of some version of the Gray report today. A mix of the Met’s bungled handling of the investigation into lockdown parties, and a renewed attempt by Downing Street to win over disaffected Tory MPs means that the PM’s position feels much stronger than it did this time last week.
Over the last few days we’ve saw a whole raft of promises that the PM will change his ways. He’ll: junk unpopular legislation; make changes to the way Number 10 is run; and publish the long-awaited levelling up white paper. Maybe he will. Perhaps this will be enough to get him out of prison.
Yet Conservative MPs and party members should not be surprised if we again, like Mr Toad promising he’s finished with motorcars, see the Boris Johnson clown car careening off the road. It is in his nature: afterall, a toad cannot change its spots.